What Men Want

Introduction: He won't say it; you don't know it.

Ask most men what they want in a relationship, and they’ll give a casual shrug in response. The young, or disenfranchised, will probably start off with something about sex, not being nagged, or wanting to be “left alone sometimes.” it would be easy to rake a response like that over the coals for being "immature" or "wounded" by their past. To do so is to miss a bigger picture and one that has been weaponized against men on multiple fronts in this new tit-for-tat digital age. Below the surface of even the most warm or wounded, stoic or simple man is a soul precisely crafted for, and with, purpose, longing, and design; intricately hammered in the image of the God who made man to work, protect, love, lead, and carry weight.

HEre's the problem: most men, GenX and younger, have been taught from boyhood that their relational wants and needs are suspect. To crave respect is called prideful. To want to be desired is called lustful. To long for peace is branded as weak passivity. so, like silent warriors marching with bleeding and festering wounds hidden under armor, men learn to carry on without acknowledgment... until something breaks.

Society is really good at breaking things.

In every healthy relationship, whether marriage or deep friendship, a man becomes fully alive when five core needs are consistently acknowledged and honored: respect, love, appreciation, desire, and peace. These aren’t “wants” or “preferences.” They’re sacred desires chiseled onto a man's soul by the Creator. Neglect them, and you get burnout, bitterness, withdrawal, or unproductive conflict. Nourish them, and you unleash a man’s courage, joy, and fierce loyalty.

This is not about coddling egos or encouraging narcissism. it is, in fact, Quite the opposite. This is about understanding why God wired men this way, and why honoring these needs is essential for any woman who wants to build a lasting, vibrant relationship with the man God gave her.

Let’s break them down.

1. Respect – The Soil of a Man’s Soul

If love is the sun, respect is the soil. No matter how bright the warmth, nothing grows if the roots aren’t anchored in good earth.

Men live and breathe respect. It’s the oxygen of his identity. When Paul writes in Ephesians 5:33, “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband,” he isn’t offering a polite suggestion. He’s pointing to a God-ordained polarity: men thrive where they’re respected, and women thrive where they’re loved.

The modern world mocks this. Culture says respect must be earned, and often paradoxically withholds it until perfection is achieved (and withdraws respect at the first sign of wavering). But a wife’s respect, in Scripture, is not a transaction. it’s a gift that draws the man higher. Respect speaks to his design as protector, provider, and leader. It doesn’t mean blind agreement or pretending he's flawless. It means trusting his heart, deferring to his strengths, and honoring his God-given burden to carry the weight of the home.

Respect says: “I see your sacrifice. I trust your intentions. I won’t undermine your authority just to get the last word.”

When a man is respected, he feels known and trusted. He walks taller, speaks clearer, and leads better. But when a man is disrespected (especially in private moments or public spaces) it’s more than annoying. It’s an attack on his God-given identity. He’ll either retreat into passivity or lash out in defensiveness, unsure how to guard what’s been trampled.

Men don’t always ask for respect with words. They ask with silence, withdrawal, or frustration. And when they stop fighting for it, it’s often because they’ve given up hope that it will ever come.

But give a man respect, and he will fight hell itself to protect the one who gave it.

2. Love – The Covenant That Grounds Him

There’s a strange myth that says men don’t need love the way women do. That men want sex and affirmation, but love is somehow a feminine thing. this is moronic.

Men crave love, and crave it deeply. Not sentimental love. Not chick-flick romance. But covenantal love, legacy love, enduring love. The kind that doesn’t flinch when he fails, doesn’t run when he’s struggling, and doesn’t manipulate him when he’s down.

This kind of love is rare, but it is what every man hungers for. it has a physical component, absolutely, and praise God for that... when the sex is over and it's just the time together, connected, and embraced... it's all a reflection of this highest covenental love that he's endeavored all his life to find. At his core, a man wants to know: Will you still be here when I’m not impressive? When I’m weak? When I’m lost?

1 Corinthians 13 isn’t only for weddings. It’s a war banner. “Love is patient and kind… it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Every man, whether he admits it or not, is looking for someone to endure with him. Not because he’s easy to love, but because the love is real.

Love grounds him. It settles his soul. It tells him that his worth is not measured only by his performance or paycheck, but by the fact that someone sees him fully and chooses him still.

When a man knows he is truly loved (not just needed or tolerated)he becomes stronger. He gives more, leads more faithfully, and opens his heart without fear. Love gives him the freedom to be both lion and lamb.

3. Appreciation – The Fuel of a Man’s Effort

Every man who works hard wants to know it matters. He wants his sacrifices seen. His labor respected. His intentions recognized.

Appreciation is the fuel that keeps the engine running. this doesn't mean overselling everything he does as some magnanimous act of generosity. It's a quiet thank you whispered between the two of you; it's something meaningful but indicative of gratitude for the load he bears and the fights he fights.

When a man provides (financially, emotionally, and spiritually) it costs him. Not just time, but identity. Genesis 3 tells us that after the fall, man would eat by the sweat of his brow. That hasn’t changed. Men live under the weight of toil. But appreciation, even a little from someone who matters, can lift it.

When a man hears “thank you,” or “I noticed what you did,” or “I couldn’t do this without you,” it doesn’t puff him up; it powers him forward. It tells him: your work is not in vain. Your efforts aren’t invisible.

There’s a difference between expectation and appreciation. Expectation says, “You’re just doing what you should.” Appreciation says, “You didn’t have to...but you did. I see it... and am grateful.”

Men can grind for decades without praise... but they’ll do it with less joy, more bitterness, and a growing question in the back of their mind: does anyone even see me? Would I be missed if I'm gone?

A man will sacrifice his comfort, sleep, hobbies, and even his own dreams to care for those he loves. But when those efforts go unacknowledged for too long, the soul begins to dim.

A single word of gratitude can feel like a feast to a weary man. And a pattern of appreciation can make him unstoppable.

4. Desire – The Fire That Awakens Him

Of all the needs men have in relationships, this one is the most misunderstood, and as such... is the most neglected. We live in a culture where male desire is treated as suspect, where men are shamed for wanting what they were designed to crave, and where even the church often fails to speak clearly about its importance. But make no mistake: to be desired (to be wanted, not just needed) is a cornerstone of a man’s vitality.

Yes, men want sex. But it’s not just about the act. It’s about what the act symbolizes: pursuit, worth, intimacy, being chosen.

A man wants to feel that his wife or partner looks at him with fire in her eyes, not obligation. That he’s not just the one who pays the bills, fixes the fence, or (silently) carries the emotional burdens, but that he’s still the man who stirs something deep in her soul and body.

God designed this. Proverbs 5 doesn’t shy away from it; it tells a man to rejoice in the wife of his youth and to “be intoxicated always in her love.” The Song of Solomon is full of mature, mutual desire, and is rich with longing and affirmation. The biblical witness is clear: a holy marriage includes holy desire.

And yet, countless men sit in silent frustration. They feel undesirable, invisible, or treated like an appliance... useful but not cherished. Over time, this corrodes his confidence, his motivation, and his willingness to engage. Some men retreat into fantasy. Others into resentment. But all men suffer when desire vanishes.

Desire doesn’t have to mean physical pursuit every night. It can be a look, a touch, a flirtatious word, an intentional gesture that says, “I see you, and I still want you.” It reminds him he’s not just a provider or protector, but a man who stirs something holy and good in the heart of the one he loves.

If you want your man to come alive, desire him. Watch what happens when he realizes he's still chosen. That fire will do more to awaken his heart than a hundred lectures or pep talks ever could.

5. Peace – The Fortress He Fights For

Every man is a warrior in one way or another. Whether he works behind a desk, behind a plow, or behind enemy lines, he is always at war; against time, pressure, failure, temptation, and his own weaknesses. But the reason he fights… is peace.

What peace? The kind you come home to. The kind you feel in your bones when you sit in a room and nothing needs to be said. The kind where a man can exhale, not perform. Be, not prove.

A man doesn’t expect life to be easy. But he does hope that home will be a refuge. A place to recharge and remember who he is. Proverbs 21:9 makes a sharp observation: “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” That may sound harsh, but it's real. When the home is filled with tension, criticism, and instability, a man’s soul slowly starts to die. He’ll retreat. He’ll work longer hours. He’ll escape into hobbies, screens, or silence. not because he’s lazy or disinterested, but because peace has left the building.

And it’s not just about silence or the absence of conflict. Biblical peace, shalom, is wholeness. It’s order. It’s rest for the soul. A peaceful home isn’t passive. It’s intentional. It’s cultivated with gentleness, forgiveness, laughter, and rhythm. It’s a place where a man can admit he’s tired, without being ridiculed. Where he can confess weakness, without being weaponized. Where he can lay his armor down.

Men need peace not because they’re fragile, but because they’re fighting battles you may never see. When a woman helps build that peace with him, praying over him, encouraging him, not constantly competing for control, she becomes his greatest earthly blessing.

A man will walk through fire all day long if he knows there’s peace waiting at home. And he will rise again, day after day, with renewed strength if he knows his home is a fortress, not a battlefield.

Conclusion: Why These Five Are Not Optional

Respect. Love. Appreciation. Desire. Peace.

These are not luxuries. They are the bones and blood of the masculine heart. They don’t make a man spoiled; they make him stable. They don’t puff him up; they anchor him. They call him to his best self and remind him who he is when the world tries to strip him bare.

Some may argue: “But women have needs too.” Of course they do. And they matter. But when we ignore the unique ways that men are wired, we end up with exhausted, resentful, passive, or angry men... who either check out or blow up.

We don’t need more nice guys or angry rebels. We need men who are alive; who feel respected enough to lead, loved enough to serve, appreciated enough to endure, desired enough to stay engaged, and peaceful enough to be fully present.

And let’s be clear: these are not excuses for bad behavior. A man must also walk worthy of these gifts. He must lead with humility, sacrifice with strength, and love his wife as Christ loved the Church; laying down his life for her. This is not a list of entitlements. It’s a vision for partnership. A high calling for both.

But for the woman who understands this (and honors these needs with joy, not resentment), she will find her man transformed. Not overnight. But deeply and with compounding effects. She will see him put down armor when it's not needed and rise to challenge more readily. She’ll see him move with confidence and conviction. She’ll find that in loving him as God designed him, she doesn’t lose power; she gains a lion-hearted protector who would lay down his life for her.

And for the man reading this, wondering if he’s even allowed to need these things... hear this:

You were made to long for them. And God does not shame you for how He made you. Stand tall. Speak truth. Lead well. And build relationships that reflect the goodness of the One who wired your heart in the first place. You’re not broken for needing these five things. You’re a man.